Monday, 23 February 2015

Tue 24 th ; Feb 15 ... Recovery & Small Set Backs

One thing I have mastered already, and I'm sure Brendan has too,  through his cancer journey is the art of waiting. It wasn't something that came easy in the beginning, so I always made sure I had a book to read or some writing to do as some days the waiting is hour after hour. As the months went on, I found it much easier and tried to use the time wisely and practised a little stillness where I could.

Monday we found ourselves waiting again, unexpectedly this time, as we sat in our local GP's surgery; waiting to be seen without an appointment. We are so grateful to all in that office, especially our doctor who has treated us both for the last 20 years, for making the wait less difficult than it could have been. They are champions, who I'm sure work most days under difficult circumstances trying to just fit in scheduled patients, yet they still went out of their way to make sure that we were comfortable and seen as quickly as humanly possible without putting anyone else out.

Today there was more waiting as Bren was fitted into a slot that probably wasn't really available; for an ultra sound and tomorrow we will again wait for as long as we need to, for Brendan to be squeezed graciously in to see our fully booked doctor again, as it looks like an infection may have found it's way into his leg. We will wait to find out tomorrow if it's a mad dash down to Sydney to see Dr Stalley, Brens Orthopaedic Surgeon this Friday, or if it can wait until his Team Meeting at Lifehouse; that has long been scheduled for Thursday week.

I will keep you posted on his progress.

Recovery for Brendan has been pretty good to this point, obviously some days have been worse than others and so this infection is just a small set back, frustrating... but just one more thing to put behind us. As I go to write " we are just grateful that he is alive"... the wise words of my younger sister come to me, as the last time I said that I was having a conversation with her.
Her reply was this..." yes, but we are all as much as we are all grateful, it is also OK to think that it really sucks that Brendan has to go through this." 

And I whole heartedly does suck. Big time.

You see Cancer is more than just a disease that makes you incredibly sick, that can end in death. It also ravishes individuals and family's physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually in ways that you cannot imagine unless you have been there and experienced it.

Brendan is still here, yet it feels like he has lost the original dream that he had for his life and the one he had for his family... to cancer,  a simple fact of his cancer journey. So as he recovers and builds new dreams it really is OK for him and our little family to grieve that loss of what was, as we move forward with what is. 

On my behalf I needed to hear my sister say "yes but we are all alive", because although you do feel incredibly grateful that your loved one is here when others have not been so lucky, you can also be left with feelings of guilt, which can then leave you with feelings of guilt for feeling guilty. In that one small sentence my sister gave me permission to grieve, guilt free, and we all know in most cases to heal we need to grieve and I am very grateful to her for knowing just what to say.

It is because Brendan is here that he deserves to live a life of dreams fulfilled, because that is what each and everyone of us deserves. The fact that he is in recovery, although a blessing it is not the gift, the gift is the life that he is now creating. 

We are yet to see what the new dreams our family builds going forward will look like, as to this point we are still working through Brendan's recovery. But life is slowly unfolding into our new normal, and we will simply let it unfold day by day, taking the small set backs and the giant leaps forward as they come, in our stride... and yes we will grieve and we will let go, as we prepare for the new. Without a doubt we are a great team so come what may our little family will master whatever else is thrown at us....together.

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